We have all been there, toxic relationships. The kind that leaves us feeling defeated and knocked down when it is all done and said. The toxic cycles that repeat over and over again, ultimately making us lose trust. Whether you have been affected by someone toxic or been the toxic person yourself, this is something we have all experienced.
But how does it affect our lives when we allow this toxicity? What are the effects it has on your business life? Can your business really thrive and grow with this toxicity looming over it? Or maybe the effect on you is so heavy your focus can’t even begin to help your business flourish.
This is deep. Thankfully, there are approaches to take to fix toxic cycles in your business relationship but it requires reevaluating these toxic relationships and taking these necessary steps. This week I am getting real with you, challenging you to take a deep look into those toxic relationships and giving you insights on what you can do to fix these toxic cycles.
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Biggest Takeaways:
- 1:00 Mind Explained on Netflix
- 4:13 What happens if we allow it?
- 6:09 How it affects your work business
- 9:12 How do we fix it?
Recommendations:
Toxic cycles in relationships, both business and personal, can leave us feeling untrusting. That is why having a support system behind you and your business is so important. Who you surround yourself with makes a huge difference. As business owners, we want a group of supportive people we can rely on, lean on in times of need and grow with. The Mastermind Group is a community of like-minded business owners looking to grow and scale their businesses. With years of HR questions answered, business guidance, community calls, and 1:1 mentoring, the Mastermind is where business owners grow. Toxic cycles can attribute to the downfall of your business, you owe it to yourself to invest in a place where you can flourish.
Links:
Better Marketing With Bella
Bella Vasta Instagram
Mastermind Group
Transcript
This is episode 317 of Bella in Your Business. Hi there, I’m Bella Vasta from Jump Consulting. You might know me from CBS, NBC, Fox, Huffington Post, Entrepreneur, or maybe you’ve seen me speak on stage or read my book, The Four Dogs That Every Business Owner Needs. In any case, get ready because you’re about to get your hashtag Bella Butt Kickin’ in this next episode of Bella in Your Business.
So what do you say? Let’s get ready and jump.
So my eight-year-old got me sick. She had a fever for like a day, and then I was knocked out for three days. Hi, Bella Vasta here again. While I was sitting there on the couch, Netflix and chilling, I saw this series and it kind of inspired this podcast episode: Are the toxic relationships in your life ruining your business?
Yeah, stay with me. Ooh boy, we’re gonna get into it today. But first, the show that really sparked this for me—it was called The Mind, Explained. There are two seasons on it, and just to give you an idea of what they talk about, they’re like about 20-ish-minute episodes, so good bite sizes: how to focus, teenage brain, personality, creativity, brainwashing, memory, dreams, anxiety, mindfulness, and psychedelics. Like I said, there are two seasons, and it was really interesting because I watched maybe four or five of them, and I just kind of really started thinking about how our brain is affected by our environment.
I also started thinking about toxic relationships because we have all either been the toxic person in a relationship—let’s be honest—or we have experienced a toxic relationship. And then depending on, of course, how we were brought up or how healed we are, it depends on how we’ve tolerated them. And unfortunately, in being a nurturer and empathetic pet lover, a lot of people that I come across are people pleasers and don’t have strong boundaries, kind of like we alluded to and talked about on the last episode. So I thought this was really important to kind of explore together.
And so today we’re going to be talking about just that because I think it’s really important for you to just start thinking about, are the toxic cycles ruining your business relationships?
So first, if you’re looking for something to Netflix and chill on, I highly recommend it—they have so many great documentaries on there. There’s also Money, Explained. It’s a whole series of a series, all different types of things. But it got me thinking, and I told you a little bit about a coaching call I had last episode. But I wanted to go into that and bring it up a little bit because I think every single one of us can relate to that situation.
It’s the reason why I tell you guys not to be held hostage in your business. And it’s why I want you to always be the boss in charge. I want you to always be hiring. I want you to always be able to remove someone off your team and replace someone. I don’t ever want the excuse of “I don’t have anyone to replace them” to prevent you from making healthy decisions.
That right there—Jillian, can we make that a graphic? That quote: I don’t ever want your lack of opportunity or ability to hire to limit your healthy decisions. Because that will not only be miserable for you, but it will be miserable for everyone else that works for you or that’s in your life. Because these are relationships—whether they’re romantic, platonic, or business-wise—they affect you.
They basically strap you onto a roller coaster and make you go up and down and all the way around and upside down. You get sick and dizzy, and it affects every single other thing in your life. It’s like a poison, and I want you to think about it. Think about where you’re spending your time and who you’re spending it with—again, whether it’s romantic, platonic, or business.
What happens if we allow it? In our life, it can lead to anxiety and depression. It could be anyone from one of the tightest relationships we have in our life, like our spouse, all the way down to the new person that we just hired. It could mean bad business—keeping someone on our team that is just like a cancer, that has a negative effect on people. Or maybe they’re constantly testing your boundaries, and maybe you’re working on getting better boundaries like I am.
Maybe other people that work for you see them walking all over you and see how you deal with it, and they actually start having less respect for you. “Well, if she’s going to let that person do it, then I don’t really have to do my best job.” That’s what’s going through their mind. Or maybe even customers: “Well, they don’t really care. I could just go to another company.”
This kind of stuff affects us. And I know it’s not always easy—God forbid you’re in an emotional or physically abusive relationship. I understand the depth and dynamics of how hard that is. It’s not an overnight decision. It’s not just a switch you can turn off. The change starts inside of you. And I hope that no one listening is affected by that, but I know the statistics show that many of you are in those types of relationships. One would even argue that emotional is more damaging than physical, right?
But not to get too deep into that, because this is like me talking to a lot of you—and it’s very hard because I don’t have that feedback from you—I want you to consider: are the relationships in my life healthy or toxic?
So in your business, your clients or your staff will stop trusting you if they see these relationships. It will bleed over there. People might not believe you when you say something. They’ll know that you’re a pushover or a walkover because they see other people taking advantage of you. Or maybe one day it’s happy-go-lucky and awesome, and the next day it’s like—smack—you were just hit by a Mack truck. But then the person is remorseful and they’re sorry, and you know that deep down they want to be good, and they’re not intending to be bad. And so you allow it again. And here we go around the merry-go-round—you’re back on the toxic cycle.
When is enough enough? Why did you start this business? Why did you get in a relationship—again, romantic or platonic—with these people? How is it truly affecting your life? Because it’s kind of like a slow death. It might not feel like it’s that heavy or that hard, but that stuff pulls your vibration down. It pulls your spirit down. It puts clouds in what would have been a sunny day. You carry that with you and it affects others.
I want to encourage you to think about the relationships in your life. Are they filling you up or are they dragging you down? If it’s in the business realm, you have the opportunity to fire them. You have the opportunity to mold a culture that is so happy that people love working for you and they’re a team and everything’s great. You know who I’m talking about right now—there’s someone in your head.
If there’s a staff member that you’re just like, “Oh, I just don’t know what to do,” reach out to me. Let’s talk about it. Especially if you’re in the mastermind—post about it. Let’s get you through this because it is going to lead to so many more sunny days.
How do we fix this? I want you to be aware of it. I want you to be aware of people who breadcrumb you. That means they just give you tiny little good things and that’s what you hold on to. They could be a pill to you and then something good happens and you’re like, “See, they’re not all bad.” You have a glimmer of hope. “I’m just going to hold on to this little breadcrumb even though I’m starving.”
Or gaslighting—when they literally tell you the sky is red and you’re looking up there like, “No, it’s blue.” And they’re like, “No, it’s red. Why don’t you understand that it’s red?” Or you go and paint the house blue and they’re like, “I hate that you painted the house purple.” And you’re like, “Okay, I understand that you hate purple, but the house is actually blue.”
Have you ever been in those situations? I know you have because none of us are immune to it. Some of us might’ve actually been that person at one point because we’re not all perfect or perfectly healthy. But I want you to examine the relationships in your life because they make an imprint on you. They make an imprint on what kind of leader you are, what kind of friend you are, what kind of partner you are.
And the only way to really get through this stuff is to create healthy boundaries—and you find out how to do healthy boundaries through self-development. You learn new ways to deal with things—and “deal” probably isn’t even the best word. You take back your power and realize the decisions you make in life matter, and you start making better decisions. You start communicating differently. Like I said, you might be the problem because we all have things that we need to relearn.
We all go through this stage—hopefully we all go through this stage—where we start to become more conscious in our life. We start realizing, “Oh, I am the way I am because of my past experiences, relationships, childhood, traumas, all of it.”
While we’re just touching on trauma here, I’m going to touch it really quick and then run away from it because it’s kind of hard to do on a podcast. It’s definitely not my area of expertise. However, I have dealt with my own as you know. But you’ve got to realize that we are exactly where we are because of everything that has happened in our life.
But we also have the ability to change everything. There is no, “Oh, this is how I am,” or “Oh, this is how I was brought up.” No, no, no, that’s the past. We don’t know what the future will hold. The past is depression. The future is anxiety. The present is the only tangible thing that we have. But for some reason, our brains want to keep tricking us to go to the past or the future—neither of which exist.
The only thing that exists is here and now, and what you’re going to do with your life right now. Do we really need to listen to another Top 40 station, or can we listen to a self-development book? Can we listen to The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy, for example, which tells you if you want to change things you can start habit stacking?
“I don’t have enough time to listen to meditations,” or “I don’t have enough time to listen to audiobooks. You don’t understand, I’m so busy.” Really? You can’t put that on while you’re brushing your teeth and washing your face in the morning? Even if it’s three minutes, that’s three more minutes than you had yesterday. It’s habit stacking.
So what I’m saying is, if you can start filling yourself up with self-development, finding books—ask me. I have so many books. I actually just looked at my Audible—I got 83 books in there. And let me tell you, it is a gauntlet of different stuff. Sometimes I go on tangents of self-development, sometimes psychology, sometimes nonfiction, sometimes historical stuff. It kind of depends on what my mood is. Like I said in my last episode, I kind of got off my two books a month on Audible and back on it, and it’s just wildly exciting.
Maybe Audible’s not your thing. Maybe you like a book. Maybe you like documentaries on Netflix, like I started telling you about The Mind, Explained. Go sit through there and put some stuff on your favorites list so the next time you plop down and you have a couple of minutes to yourself, you can just pop it on. The decision’s already been made. You already have a list.
But guys, these toxic people—it needs to change. Your life does not have to be a constant battle. You do not have to have people that constantly (I’m reluctant to say) make you feel bad because no one can make you feel any way—that’s your responsibility. However, they can definitely influence you. You’ve walked into rooms before where you just feel it—it’s palpable, it’s so thick and heavy. And you’ve walked into rooms or been around people where it’s just like bright sunlight—positive and happy and exciting—and you start feeling great.
Pay attention to that. Pay attention to how your body feels. Pay attention to your triggers and why you’re triggered. Don’t just avoid the triggers—figure out why.
This is supposed to be about toxic relationships, but this is getting a little bit deeper. I hope that’s okay. Let me know. Let me know—[email protected]
. “Hey, you have no business talking about this to me, you don’t know me,” or “Keep going, Bella. This is great. This is different. I like how you’re flipping the script.”
I want you to realize the toxic cycles are things that just creep in. The cycle is not something that you can necessarily predict. Sometimes it’s day by day or hour by hour. Sometimes it’s months at a time where it’s up and down.
If you’re dealing with a narcissistic person, you can literally mark it off on your calendar and start predicting their cycles. But not everyone is a narcissist, even though the world wants to tell you that. Think about it. Think about how you can communicate better so that you’re not in a constant up and down. Think about how there are people in your life that you can either trust or not trust. There are people in your life that you know—they’re going to be able to say something and you’ll believe them.
There are people who, if they say they’re going to call you at 12:05, you know they’re calling at 12:05. Those are the kind of people you want to keep in your life. The ones that make you double guess—or the ones you make other people double guess. Because I don’t want to get any of this twisted—you might be the toxic person. But the first step is being aware.
If you are—or if you have someone in your life—the second step is choosing whether to keep it or eliminate it. And that is a choice. It’s a choice we make subconsciously or consciously every single day.
So those people that you’re thinking about as I’m talking today—I want you to really do some serious self-evaluation in your life. Decide: do you want to take this relationship into 2023? Is there space in your life for this? Is it adding to your life or taking away? Is it a constant loop-de-loop—good, bad, good, bad, good, bad—and you never know whether you’re coming or going?
Again, this is employees, business relationships, platonic friendships, romantic relationships. Y’all, you are the boss in charge. You have this power. And I’m just here to remind you of that.
This has been another episode of Bella in Your Business. Remember, when life gets you down, always keep jumping. Bye now.
So what did you think? Did you love this episode? I sure hope you did because I put a lot of love into this for you. The best way you can show me that is by going to iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play, or wherever you listen to your podcast and go ahead and leave a review. I just might read it on the next episode. I also want to remind you that when life gets you down, remember to always keep jumping. Thanks for listening.